


a bouquet of inkstains

by gothzabini (girl412)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Hogwarts Third Year, Homeschooled Remus Lupin, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders' Era, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2019-08-23 02:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16610507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl412/pseuds/gothzabini
Summary: You know the drill- soulmate bonds in which everything you write or draw on your left arm appears on the left arm of your soulmate as well. This doesn't include wounds, scars, birthmarks, etc.When Sirius is 6, he watches as one of his arms fills with colour and vibrance.When Remus is 13, he makes a new friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm dedicating this fic to everyone who insisted that I write it <3  
> not sure what I can say about the frequency of updates because I'm working on multiple things at once, but I've already written out an outline for what I want this fic to be so the likelihood of me abandoning it? next to none.
> 
> enjoy! and don't worry if things seem vague, there's gonna be more context in the next chapter(s)

The first time it happens, Sirius is six and a half years old. His left forearm streaks itself with glitter and paint that spreads all over his arm. He knows what it is – he has heard of soulmates and marks, but he hadn’t anticipated the beauty or wonder that accompanies them. 

His parents are less than pleased, and Sirius spends the rest of the week being punished for whatever the person on the other side of the soulmate bond is doing. Things escalate when, rather than lock him in his room without supper like they usually do when he does something wrong, his father fires a jinx at him. More than the pain, Sirius remembers Reg’s sobbing,  pleading with them to stop. That had only resulted in another jinx being fired.

Sirius is afraid. Who wouldn’t be afraid at the age of almost-seven, when a caretaker turns on them?

“I’m sorry,” he pleads. “I’ll make it stop, I promise.” 

Later that night, he creeps into Reg’s bed and holds his little brother in his arms until he falls asleep. 

The next morning, before the painting begins, he takes a sketch pen and writes on his arm: _Hi._

He doesn’t have to wait long. _hello!_ someone writes back. Their handwriting is slightly crooked, but Sirius supposes that not everyone has calligraphy classes, and anyway, he likes it the same way he likes the art – it’s vibrant and different.

_ I’m sorry _ , he says, feeling regret as he does it. _Please don’t paint on this arm anymore_

There’s no response, and Sirius is afraid he’s offended them, so he writes again: _I love your art, honest I do. but it makes mum and dad angry. I’m not allowed to draw on my skin, you see._

The response is faster then. _okay_ , the words say. _sorry you got into trouble for me_

Sirius likes this person, despite all the trouble he’s gotten into. _don’t worry about it,_ he writes. _i really like the art. sorry that I’m restricting you from drawing on your own arm._

_ But its not just my arm,  _ the writing says. _its ours._

Sirius smiles. He knows he’s not going to be able to communicate with the person on the other end for a long time, but he feels somehow comforted knowing that they’re there. 

_ Yes <3  _  he writes back in response. For a moment there’s nothing, and then Sirius gets a clumsily drawn heart back.

_ lets wash this off together,  _ the handwriting suggests. _will be easier to remove then._

_ I’ll miss you,  _ Sirius writes.

_ me too _ .

Sirius doesn’t think about it or attempt to communicate with the person on the other end again. When he finds himself in Hogwarts and James Potter asks him if he’s got a soulmate bond, he just shrugs and looks away. It’s comforting knowing that there’s someone there, but Sirius hates the fact that someone’s tied to him – him with the messy family and permanent instability. Sirius sometimes thinks he doesn’t know what it’s like, living without fear –  he’s just good at pretending he does.

This distance he’s careful to maintain for his soulmate’s safety as much as his own crumbles after a night in October, during his Third Year. He’s too tired to remember or think about the consequences. It’s almost 3AM on a Saturday night and all the Gryffindor third year students are lounging around in a corner of the common room.

“Sirius has _wicked_ art skills,” James says, because he’s a prick. “Show them, Pads.”

Sirius sighs, asking one of the girls if he can borrow one of their eyebrow pencils. He could always use a quill to draw, but he's found that on skin, ink from quills rarely stays, smudges easily and never comes out the way he wants it to. 

Marlene hands him her eyebrow pencil, and he smiles at her. It’s a dark brown despite the fact that Marlene’s a natural blonde, because she, like Sirius, loves being contradictory. In another universe, one in which she doesn’t have Dorcas’s words highlighting her left arm, Sirius wonders if they could’ve been anything.

The late night and the adrenaline from a dare must be the reason for his carelessness, Sirius will realise next morning. At the moment though, he has no second thoughts. He places his left forearm on his thigh and leans over, beginning to draw a bouquet of peonies with the pencil on his arm. He loses himself in the picture, focusing on shading, shapes of the leaves, the flowers themselves. His classmates make appreciative noises. Even Evans, who ignores James and Sirius unless she wants to insult them, offers praise for his work.

He doesn’t think much of it when he falls asleep. Like most of his classmates, staying awake late gives him reason to sleep in, which he can afford to do since they don’t have classes that weekend. He will wake up at 11 as he usually does on these sorts of weekends, and along with James, Marlene, Dorcas, Frank, Alice and Peter, he will go to the kitchen to get breakfast. Sirius has no way of knowing that things will change dramatically when he wakes up in the morning this time.

Meanwhile, in Wales, at eight in the morning, a homeschooled boy named Remus Lupin wakes up with an arm covered in what feels like the most beautiful sketches of flowers he’s ever seen. 


	2. Chapter 2

Remus didn’t anticipate something like this happening. He’d had a rough week, as he usually did after the full moon and the night of violence and tearing himself up that it entailed. The aftermath had been painful as well, but he was good as normal after some dittany and healers’ brew. He’d been exhausted, barely having the energy for optimism; he’d spent most of  Saturday night upset and angry, hating the way his condition made him feel vulnerable, exposed and undignified every lunar month. He’d gone to bed staring at the horrific scars on his left forearm, a permanent reminder of the ugliness residing inside him. He’d woken up to flowers instead.

Remus isn’t the overly bitter sort, at least, he tries his best not to be. He knows he hasn’t been dealt a fair hand but he deals with it best as he can – he has only two friends (one who is his mother, and one who spends most of the year in a boarding school in Scotland), he looks more or less ordinary minus the scars, which he finds grotesque, he has a horrible condition that stresses him and makes him worry – none of these are ideal in any way. Still, it could be worse. 

Waking up to the peonies makes him feel warm and safe inside in a way that he’s been finding difficult to feel, lately. 

Without thinking about it much, he pulls out a blue ballpoint pen and writes on his left wrist, one of the places untouched by the art, _thank you for making me feel beautiful._

And then he waits. 

Sirius opens his eyes at eleven, feeling almost hungover despite not having touched the Firewhiskey. He’s aware of James yelling in his direction, something about whether he wants food or what, and he opens his eyes and looks around him, wondering why something feels different. The blue ink on his left hand that wasn’t there the night before brings him crashing down into a state of awareness.

“Prongs,” he yells, wanting to dive back under the covers the way he can at Hogwarts when he feels out of depth.

There’s a small sound of footsteps, and James is opening Sirius’s bed’s curtains and looking in.

“You alright?” he asks.

Sirius shrugs, and takes James’s nearest hand in his right hand.

“I’ll tell you when I figure it out, but for now, could you get me breakfast up here?” Sirius asks.

James gives him a long, inquisitive look, as if staring at Sirius will give him insight on what’s happening, but he nods and says “Sure,” because he’s Sirius’s best mate and has never let him down.

“Take care, yeah?” and with that, he’s gone.

Sirius looks through his bags, finding his least fancy quill and filling it with green ink. He stares at the blue words for a minute, unsure what to say. Knowing that silence is definitely not the way to respond and wondering how long his soulmate has been waiting, he writes _i’m glad it helped. i hope you’re alright._

He doesn’t have to wait long for a response. _I’ve been worse._

_ that’s not exactly reassuring,  _ Sirius writes. _im here if you want to talk._

There’s nothing for a moment, and then the words _thank you_ appear.

Sirius feels like a terrible person.

_ sorry about being silent on you for more than 7 years _ , he writes. _i didn’t forget you._

He waits almost 45 minutes before he gets a response.

Remus stares at the apology, intrigued and a little confused. He’d understood that the person on the other end of the link had to leave for their own safety, but it’s clear that they’re genuine about their regret. The words _i didn’t forget you_ especially make Remus’s chest ache. Everyone forgets Remus sooner or later. Even his father is trying to pretend he doesn’t exist. 

He takes a shaky breath and gets back to algebra, not letting himself dwell on it, but after plotting four graphs he thinks he deserves a break, and that the person on the other end deserves the truth.

_ it’s alright _ , Remus writes back. _you had to be silent, your parents were unsupportive._

And then, after a moment of gathering courage, _i didn’t forget you either._

He gets a heart in response, followed by _i’m in boarding school now. my parents can’t control me anymore._

_ happy to hear it _ , Remus writes, a little concerned about them from the tone of their last sentence. 

_ we should be friends,  _ the words say. _i’m not going to disappear again, except maybe during summer hols. my family’s nasty._

Just as Remus finishes reading, bold strikes cross out the last sentence. Remus understands that the stranger probably doesn’t want that on their skin. No, not a stranger. His to-be friend.

_ okay then,  _ Remus writes. _friends it is. i’ve got to study for a maths test, talk to you soon._

_ all the best <3  _

Remus smiles a little as he draws a heart in response before getting back to the work he’s meant to do. His curriculum is a complex one –  partially Wizarding and partially Muggle, since he knows that it will be  difficult to find work  as a werewolf and he’s decided that he wants to be doubly qualified, just in case. He works on algebra and geometry, but every now and then he looks at his arm and at the flowers, and it makes him smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in one day? hm, my plot bunny's growing exponentially.  
> i'm already planning more chapters than i'd initially expected - i know it says 6 now, but it's possible it could run to anywhere from 7 to 9.  
> also i cannot believe i posted a soulmate fic and didn't gift it to Gem as well, so that's been fixed now (yay!)


	3. Chapter 3

Despite his promise, Sirius waits until night to write to his soulmate again. He spends the day in a full-sleeved sweater. If James has figured it out, he doesn’t mention it, and Sirius is grateful for that. He wants to get to know them first, before he announces their existence.

After dinner, Sirius heads right back upstairs to his bed and closes the curtains, seals them, rolls up his sleeve and using his green ink quill, he writes _hey, how’d your test go? <3 _

 Sirius can’t help a little gasp of wonder as he watches the words write themselves out. _Alright, I reckon. Could’ve been easier. Nice to hear from you, how was your day?_

Sirius smiles. _good day, no classes, nothing. spent most of it in the common room playing card games with my friends._

_ Sounds nice,  _ the words say, and then:  _The flowers are smudging :(_

Sirius smiles despite himself. _i’ll draw them again for you. right now i’m going to wipe them off with makeup remover so we have more space to talk, ok?_

_ you’re a long conversation kind of kid?  _ the words say, appearing quickly.

_ only with people i care about _ , Sirius scribbles, and then stares at his arm in surprise. He hasn’t meant to be so honest, but he really does care about the person on the other end. It hits him then that he doesn’t know the other person’s name.

Sirius wipes away the flower sketches, which are beginning to stain his duvet as well. 

_ sorry. the smudges on this end are like.. getting on all my stuff  _

_ That sounds disastrous,  _ the words say.

_ yes,  _ Sirius responds. _anything to do with me usually is._

_ Don’t dismiss yourself like that,  _ the words say now. _I’m sure you’re a very lovely person._

_ i’m everyone’s worst nightmare, and proud of it,  _ Sirius scribbles back, trying not to examine why this persons’s school-teacher handwriting makes him feel safe. The quiet affirmation makes him feel validated.

_ hm,  _ the words are saying now. _as long as you’re not a death eating fascist i think we’ll get along like a house on fire._

_ get along like a house on fire??????????? _

_ Muggle saying , thought you’d heard of it.  _

_ noooooooooo ,  _ Sirius responds, drawing a weeping face on his arm. 

He suddenly realises something he should have realised a long time ago. _introductions are in order,_ he writes neatly. _i’m sirius, but james calls me gryffindor’s femme fatale as a joke. you probably can too if you want. most of my friends are taller than me. i can play quidditch decently enough but im not on the team because i hate getting up early. my fave subject’s transfiguration. i am absolutely not a death eater. my parents might consider me a prospective death eater but over my dead body, i’d rather eat my arm. good thing old voldie’s gone. i hate all forms of bigotry and i jellylegs-jinx every known fascist i encounter!! pleased to meet you for real, finally <3 _

__

Remus stares at the unsolicited and unexpected essay for a minute. Sirius sounds adorable, much unlike his family. Sirius hasn’t shared anything concrete about his parents but Remus hates them already. It comforts him that Sirius doesn’t share their ideals, but makes him worried for him as well. 

_ your pronouns are he/him, right?  _ Remus quickly writes, just to confirm.

_ yes, mysterious soul on the other side,  _ Sirius’s response appears, faster than Remus has anticipated.

_ Thank you for that,  _ Remus writes. _I’m glad to be your friend, you sound wonderful. Okay, I’m Remus, I’ll be 14 in March. I don’t have many friends. I’m a little taller than my mum already, she thinks I’ll hit 6 ft one day. I can’t play much Quidditch or any other sport really because my health’s not really great (nothing to worry about, it’s absolutely alright on most days.) I’m not a death eater supporter either, I hate them and have witnessed some of their horror firsthand. Is that TMI? totally approve of your strategy with fascists though, wish I was there with you. I throw a mean jinx._

_ I bet you do,  _ Sirius writes back. _what’s a TMI?_

_ oh sorry,  _ Remus writes. _it’s not really a thing, just an abbreviation Mum & I use. “too much information”, like oversharing._

_ it’s not TMI!!!  _ Sirius writes back instantly. _thanks for trusting me with that. me too, but probably in a different context. i was born into a family like that after all._

_ You didn’t choose your family,  _ Remus writes.

_ you’re so nice,  _ Sirius writes back, complete with a heart at the end and everything.

_ When’s your birthday and how old are you?  _ Remus scribbles.

_ nov 3, i’ll be turning 14 too,  _ Sirius scribbles. 

There’s nothing for a minute and then, _i didn’t expect to get a boy on your end_

__

__

Sirius stares at the words for a minute. They look rude and dismissive, and the last thing he wants is to come off as rude or dismissive to Remus.

_ Will that be a problem?  _

_ god ,no, not at all! i didn’t mean it like that,  _ Sirius scribbles quickly and frantically. _i knew im attracted to boys, obviously. it’s just im also attracted to girls so i guess i never really gave it much thought. probably would’ve been surprised no matter what. if my parents find out, we’ll be unbonded in the blink of an  eye so i'm gonna have to hide u because i do NOT want you to get hurt because of this, but i personally have NO problem with it!!! i hate bigotry, remember???? besides i told you already, you are very nice, and i love the fact that i share an arm with you <3_

_ Is that a co-incidence, or are you quoting 6 year old me?  _

_ not a coincidence. i told u i didn’t forget.  _

_ I’m glad we can talk safely now. I really like talking to you.  _  Remus’s handwriting is rushed but still elegant in its lopsided way. Sirius loves it just as he had almost eight years ago.

_ i like talking to you too, you’re so vibrant!  _

__

Remus stares at his hand for a minute.

_ Vibrant? Me? Everyone says I’m an old man in the body of a teenager. My best friend jokes about me being an old and stodgy professor. _

_ no no !!! You are so vibrant i can feel it!!!! trust me!!!!  _ Sirius’s handwriting looks like it would like to yell at the recipient, albeit enthusiastically. _the professor thing though? i can get behind that. maybe not stodgy but like...... you’ve always seemed wise, and you’re obviously smart? i bet you’d be a great teacher because you’re so understanding and patient_

_ You don’t even know me!  _

_ remus i know you well enough!!!!!! you’ve been nothing but lovely to me _

For lack of anything to say, Remus draws a heart on his elbow. Sirius draws one back.

_ you’re smart as well, don’t deny it. i tried to look up what maths was and it made my head spin,  _ Sirius writes. _apparently it’s similar to arithmancy but i still can’t get how it works independent of magic? i mean, i get counting and things, but what’s the point of geometry and graph theory and that other thing, caulcus or something?_

_ Calculus? It’s a fascinating concept, but it’s far beyond the level I’m currently at,  _ Remus writes. _There isn’t enough space on this arm for me to explain, though._

_ what’s your last name? _

_ Why do you need this? _

_ sciense. or whatever the muggles call it. _

_ Haha, it’s Science – with a c. Almost there, though. And don’t laugh, my last name is Lupin. _

_ oh my god. oh my GOD _

_ Sirius. _

_ im not laughing i promise! i just wanted to be able to make an obligatory professor lupin joke <3   _

_ And what’s your last name? for science? _

_ oh ugh, i should’ve known this’d come up. my last name is black. you’ve probably heard about my family. i promise i’m not like them. _

Remus has heard about them. _You’re nothing like them, we established that! I’m so sorry you ended up there._

A lot of the things Sirius had said before were making sense now.

_ I wish I could give you a hug, if that’s something you’re comfortable with,  _ Remus writes.  Sirius’s response is almost immediate.

_ thank you, you’re an angel xoxo  _

_ jamie (best friend) is here and wants to talk to me. i’m gonna tell him abt us, ok? also think i need to sleep soon, first class is a morning class and it’s at 8:30. i can never wake up on time for those. _

_ Yes, tell him,  _ Remus writes. _Go do whatever you need to do. Take care, goodnight <3 I’m here whenever, you know that._

_ yes, likewise. for the most part. goodnight <3 <3 _

_ wow jamie’s getting impatient hahaha he’s trying to open my bed-curtains _

_ talk later, bye!!  _

Sirius has drawn another heart under that, and now there’s next to no space left on Remus’s forearm.  He considers washing it off, but having the words on his arm makes him feel less alone. He thinks of the irony of someone calling him an angel and meaning it. He doesn’t think anyone’s ever done that in his life – understandably, he is a Dark creature. He’s not sure how Sirius will take the news when he inevitably finds out, but for now he feels safe and warm, as if the other boy’s seen through all the darkness people think Remus is made of, and seen right inside him – seen all the parts of him that are trying so hard, despite everything, to be _good._

Remus draws a heart on his upper arm right before going to sleep. He doesn’t know at the time that he will wake up to a detailed sketch of a begonia right next to that, along with the words _hope you have a good day, all the good days, like you deserve._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the abbreviation TMI was used for the first time in the '80s, which is why when Remus uses it, he mentions that it's something his mum came up with, because it wasn't a thing in the 70s (which is when i am trying to base this fic, despite the fact that both my parents were in their nappies during this time and my knowledge of this era is severely limited) 
> 
> xoxo on the other hand, was used for the first time in November 1960, so !!! there you go 
> 
> my source for that is just Google, im sorry :'))))
> 
> i'm changing the number of chapters to undetermined because this story's going to be a little longer than i'd anticipated. i want to write more Regulus! and possible background Jily and everything (tags will be added as content is added.) 
> 
> tell me what you think <3 thanks for reading!!


	4. Chapter 4

Other than the flowers and message of positivity, Sirius doesn’t write anything on his arm for the majority of the day. It’s only once dinner’s over, in the relative secrecy of his bed with the hangings down that he feels safe enough to write on his arm.

_ Sorry for the radio silence. _ _u know im at a boarding school, always surrounded by people. don’t want people to read our conversations & things.  _

There’s silence for a moment, and then Remus’s handwriting flows out under his. _Yeah, alright. We can talk nights, if you want_

__

_ Of course I want!! I like talking to you,  _ Sirius scribbles hastily. _and i think we should have a system. like, what if one of us NEEDS to talk to the other, you know??????_

__

_ Like an emergency? _

__

_ EXACTLY,  _ Sirius writes back excitedly. _i mean, we’re 24/7 connected so i am literally here whenever you need me, unless im asleep or at my parents’. maybe even then. we need something small & not very noticeable._

__

_ How about stars on the wrist? Really small ones?  _

_ Remus Lupin, you’re a genius,  _ Sirius responds, smiling. _ok so here’s the system. 1 star = talk to me when u can, got something to tell you. 2 stars_ _= talk to me now, please. 3 stars= it’s urgent that you talk to me, like paranoia levels of urgent, like im panicking. 4 stars= talk to me, i need you, things are really bad. 5 stars= deathbed conversation, or something that grave. pun unintended._

A smiley face appears next to the pun, and Sirius finds himself smiling, as well.

_ I’m not the genius here,  _ Remus’s words say, hurriedly appearing. _you just thought of that in 2 seconds. Sirius, your BRAIN._

Sirius grins, before thinking it through a little. _thanks,_ he writes. _but my brain has its downsides. things aren’t always easy in the skull of sirius._

__

_ Things aren’t always easy in the skull of Remus either. _

__

Sirius stares at the words for a moment before drawing a heart next to them. _we deserve better,_ he writes.

_ yes,  _ Remus writes back. 

Sirius and Remus write to each other every night, but Sirius is insistent that Remus _scribble on our arm whenever you want. I’m not hiding you, but remember: anything you draw during the day can be seen by virtually anyone._  

There are different types of soulmates – not all of them are romantic or sexual, it’s mostly a compatibility thing. Sirius isn’t sure what he and Remus are and in what ways they fit together, but he doesn’t care because having Remus in his life is a _good_ thing, and that’s all Sirius needs to know.

Sirius plays tic-tac-toe and hangman with Remus during his more boring classes. Sometimes Remus does his calculations for maths on his arm, which Sirius finds fascinating and endearing in equal measure. They leave small messages for each other, draw hearts and, in Sirius’s case, flowers, and generally don’t do anything revealing or secretive during the day. 

Personal conversations come at night. These aren’t incredibly personal because they are both ultimately just two people getting to know each other; two people aware of boundaries. After a _what are you most afraid of? / I don’t like to talk about it / yeah, me neither. sorry I asked_  exchange, they’ve been extra careful to respect each other’s space. Which is not to say that they don’t talk about heavy things – if either of them wants to, they’ve agreed that they will warn the other person first and ask if they’re okay with it.

Their careful inquiry goes along the lines of _favourite colour? favourite food? what did you do today? what kind of music do you listen to?_ and other questions that are mostly harmless. The more Sirius learns about Remus, the more he likes him. Remus is odd but in a fascinating, unique way – he’s nothing like anyone Sirius has ever met before.

Things might’ve continued along those lines, had it not been for the incident with James and the boggart.

It’s 2:41AM, if you want to be exact. Remus is working on some chemistry when he sees the words in Sirius’s usual flowing handwriting, albeit a little shakier.

_ sorry, hey, you up? _

__

_ Yes,  _ Remus writes back. _Are you alright?_

__

_ 2 stars _ , Sirius writes, his handwriting still shaky.

_ I’m here,  _ Remus promises. _tell me whatever it is._

__

_ it’s stupid _

__

_ No, it’s not,  _ Remus writes frantically. _if it’s keeping you awake and you want to talk it out, you’ve got me. it’s not stupid at all._

__

For a moment,  there’s no response. And then, in rushed handwriting, as if Sirius can’t get the words down quickly enough:   _jamie and i bumped into a boggart. except i didn’t know it was a boggart at first. and it took  the form of my little brother Reggie, yeah? like remember when i told u my entire family’s awful? that wasn’t fully true. reg’s dece, and cousin Andi’s cool as fuck!!! theyre all i have other than james & pete, i guess. anyway. reg. boggart took the form of Reggie but he was DEAD???? and it was REALLY BAD like i felt like i’d failed him and i’m so scared because i know in our family mishaps happen & im doing my best to keep him safe but what if it’s not enough?????? _

__

Remus takes a deep breath, reading through the response twice just to be sure he hasn’t read something wrong. Then he takes his pen and begins to write.

_ Sirius, I’m sorry, that sounds really scary. you’re not stupid at all and I think it’s understandable that you feel the way you do. I don’t know what to say to make it better, but for what it’s worth, I know you’re doing your best & I think your best is good enough. Reg is lucky to have a brother like you.  _

_ Is it possible for you to find some way out of your dorm or something, to go see if he’s ok?  _

__

_ i fuckin wish,  _ Sirius’s handwriting says. It’s messier than Remus has ever seen it, and he’s suddenly worried that the boy on the other side is crying or something along those lines. _thank you,_ he goes on to write, relatively more clearly. _this is actually really helpful._

__

_ Is your brother at the same school you are? _

__

_ yeah, he’s in first year tho.  different house (& dorm)  as well. _

__

Remus closes his eyes and opens them again. _check on him in the morning, first thing. he’ll be okay. and talk to him. tell him you worry about him because things aren’t safe at home or whatever._

__

_ i think he already knows that, rem _

__

_ Would he tell you if something was wrong?  _ Remus writes, secretly floored at the nickname.

_ yeah, i think so. reg & i are v different as people in terms of how we function and all that, but he knows i care. he knows i’ll be there for him no matter what. in a lot of ways i’ve been a stand in parental figure, u know? _

__

Remus winces.

__

_ Merlin. I’m sorry that you needed to do that. you’re so brave & strong though.  _

__

_ i mean, i try,  _ Sirius’s  handwriting says. _jamie jokes about me being a dog – fiercely loyal & all. sometimes i wish i were, to be honest._

__

_ It’s overrated,  _ Remus writes, and then suddenly jolts, aware of what he’s almost revealed about himself. _I mean, most things that seem cool are overrated. and I bet fleas are hell._

__

_ oh urgh,  _ Sirius writes. _one big HELL NO to that!!!!_

_ Try and get some sleep,  _ Remus writes. _it’s wednesday, don’t you have classes tomorrow?_

__

_ yeah :(    i just can’t sleep _

__

_ Well, okay. Just close your eyes and lie down then, listen to music if you can do that without disturbing your dormmates. get REST, even if you can’t sleep. _

__

_ okay,  _ Sirius writes back. _i’ll try that. tho if i can’t sleep  i might write to you in 15 minutes. if i do not , assume that i actually managed to sleep._

__

_ I hope you get some rest. Take care, goodnight xxx _

__

_ gnite rem, thank u for evrything <3   _ Sirius writes. 

Remus does what they always do.

He draws a heart back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry abt the wait for this, & for the slightly odd formatting!!! hope u enjoyed, more coming sooner or later (i rlly hope it's sooner, haha) 
> 
> love u guys!!!!!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry abt removing all the people this was initially gifted to. i love you all, but the only way im gonna be able to complete this is if i write this entirely for myself. i hope you all understand xxx

James is understandably worried about Sirius.

He could tell that the boggart had unsettled his best friend more than he let on. He’d been ready to spend the night with Sirius, who’d curled up against him once they got back to the dorms and let James talk about Quidditch and Evans and what else in an attempt to distract him. Eventually though, James’s eyes had begin to shut of their own accord, and Sirius had managed a shaky laugh and a “mate you’re knackered,” after which he’d retreated to his own bed to draw or read or do whatever else it was that Sirius did when things got overwhelming.

It is 7:45 in the morning, and if they are to make it to class on time, they have to grab breakfast and leave instantly. Peter, who’s taken different classes from them, has a completely different schedule and can sleep without needing to worry, so James leaves him and using a complex magic spell, wrenches Sirius’s bed-curtains open.

Sirius is asleep curled up on himself the way he usually is, one arm sprawled upwards with his forehead nestled in the crook of that elbow, while his other hand is around his ribs. Even in his sleep, he looks worried, and it pains James to see that. Sketchbooks lie open messily around the bed, various pencil sketches of dogs and flower gardens and even portraits of Regulus on display. They’re in various stages of completion, but it is evident that they were drawn frantically. Sirius’s mind had clearly not been the most soothing place to be, the night before.

“Hey, Dogstar,” James murmurs, poking Sirius in the ribs. “We’ve got History of Magic with Binns, wake the fuck up.”

Sirius opens his eyes groggily, moving his arm a little. James suddenly notices the words on Sirius’s wrist in unfamiliar handwriting.

_you’re the best elder brother anyone could ask  for,_ the words say. _it’ll be fine. I’m here for you._

__ Sirius notices James looking and flushes, pulling his hand back to his side. Other than that message and a few clumsily drawn hearts, there is nothing on his arm.

“I’m glad you have Remus,” James says, pulling Sirius out of bed gently. “Come on, we’ve got to go to class. Not looking forward to Minnie giving you detention again.”

Sirius hums. He looks exhausted, but he lets James lead him without protest. They change into their uniforms, and James doesn’t make any comments about the glassy look in Sirius’s eyes. Right before they leave for breakfast, while James is ensuring that Sirius has everything he needs for class in his bag, Sirius says, “Jamie, could I borrow your cloak?”

“Sure thing, love,” James says easily. “What do you need it for?”

“Gotta check on Reg,” Sirius says. “Be a dear and bring my bag and some bread for me to class, yeah? Binns won’t notice.”

“We’ve got a double hour with him, Sirius,” James says. “Are you sure you want to risk it?”

Sirius gives him a look that is both determined and pleading. He looks desperate. “I have to, for Regulus.”

With that, he wraps James’s cloak around his shoulders and leaves the room.

Sirius comes into class ten minutes late, losing Gryffindor 5 points. He slides into the empty seat next to James, where James has already left his bag and course material, as well as a well concealed croissant wrapped up in a clean, if slightly jam-stained, handkerchief. He gives James a smile that looks relieved and actually reaches his eyes, and James smiles back.

Sirius eats the croissant like a hungry dog, getting crumbs everywhere. This task achieved, he says softly, “I’m gonna sleep now, yeah? Tell me if he notices,” even though James and Sirius both know that Binns isn’t going to notice a thing.

James watches his sleeping best friend for a minute, thinking, and then, carefully, he takes his quill and writes on Sirius’s left arm, with deliberation: _hi remus! james here._

__

Remus stares at the words on his hand that have appeared in the ugliest handwriting possibly known to mankind. He doesn’t sleep much in the days leading up to the full moon, not from personal choice but just from unfortunate biochemistry. The dilemma that presents itself proves a wonderful distraction.

He wants to say hi to Sirius’s best friend, but he is also concerned both for Sirius and for James’s awful penmanship.

_Hi. Nice to meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you. Sirius failed to mention how ugly your handwriting is, though._

__

_ Oi!  _  the words say, though it could just as likely be oig or qil. Remus wouldn’t know.  _sirius said you were NICE._

__

Remus snorts. _he and I are fellow beings of chaos being soulmates, of course. speaking of which. how come you’re writing on my arm? is he alright?_

_he’s asleep!!! hahahahahHAHAHA_

__

_Don’t you have class now?_

_ yeah, history. our prof is dead to the world. figuratively and literally!!! he’s a ghost hehehe  he won’t notice a thing. which is good. sirius snores. _

_ I don’t think he’d appreciate you telling me that _

__

_nahhhhh mate any friend of sirius is a friend of mine and any friend of mine must listen to me describe sirius’s snoring. read the terms and conditions, wolfman._

Remus chokes. They couldn’t have found out already, could they?

_what did you just call me_

_ Wolfman??? because your name is remus lupin, and i actually DO read the classics sometimes _

_ Really? _

__

_nah mate, who’d read when we got quidditch!!!! but mum used to read me classics when i was a kid & unwilling to sleep. guess some of it stuck around._

_ Alright then.  What do you do other than Quidditch and  “attempting to woo a snarky redhead who wouldn’t date you if you were the last man on the planet”?  _

_ wow mate i get it youre on team sirius RUB IT IN WHY DON’T YOU  _ _guess it’s just PICK ON JAMES POTTER DAY boohoo_

_ I mean, he is my soulmate? and you’re just some random prick with ugly handwriting who’s scribbling on my arm when he’s asleep? _

_ TAKE THAT BACK REMUS CARNIVORA LUPIN TAKE THAT BACK!!!! _

Remus doesn’t take it back.

They talk for twenty more minutes about more or less nothing, and then James writes, _i see why sirius likes you. you’re so....... level headed while also being absolutely deranged. he needs someone like you._

_Thank you,_ Remus’s handwriting says, unfurling right underneath. _Sirius means a lot to me. and I can see why he’s best friends with you, too. you both have the same manic energy._

__

_hahaha THAT’S WHAT ALL OUR TEACHERS SAY we are the dynamic detention duo. james potter & sirius black! cant have one without the other!! joined at the hip!!!! people used to think we’d be soulmates u know?_

__

_Maybe that would be better for him._

James flinches, simultaneously surprised and embarrassed. He hadn’t meant for the message to come across however Remus hand interpreted it.

_no no no NO NO  remus, he adores you. he needs someone like you. sirius and i are both....... out of control. we’re all impulses and urges. if we were anything more than friends, we’d just burn each other out. we have too much in common. you on the other hand. he talks about you like you’re the moon to his stars or something. don’t put yrself down, OK?_

_You’re both too kind._

_ nah, we’re fuckin awful. we hold the record for most detentions. anyway you need a nickname!!! im gonna call you MOONY because sirius is already the stars TAKE THAT  _

_ Do I have any veto power at all? _

_ absolutely not. _

__

_is Sirius really sleeping through this?_

_ yeah, he was kinda exhausted this morning. kept him up all night, did you? ;)  _

__

_James, you know it wasn’t like that._

_ i know, i know. already said im glad he has you <3  _

Remus’s response, when it comes, is the word _likewise,_ followed by a heart. 

James smiles, proud of himself. He looks up, only to meet Sirius’s clear, wide-awake grey eyes.

“Shit,” James murmurs, ready to be chastised. But Sirius just smiles, as if he’s pleased that James has discovered the miracle that is Remus Lupin.

James thinks he’s gotten off easy, but of course he hasn’t.

“Moony, James??? Really???” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay but imagining james sitting in history of magic class with a quill and a frown on his face writing the word NO on sirius's arm 5 times, getting significantly more agitated each time,,,,, isn't that something we all need in life????
> 
> also if you say sirius calling james 'dear' didn't make you smile, you are a LIAR 
> 
> more coming soon? later? eventually???
> 
> love you all <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!  
> im just a uni student working my shit out but here you go <3  
> thanks y'all for the wait. love u guys <3 <3 <3

Remus has been friends with Sirius for around three weeks, without any major incident. However, the impending full moon is a cause for concern. Remus struggles to ignore the pit of anxiety pooling in his stomach, along with fear that feels like lead. He wants to sink through the floor. _Tonight,_ he thinks. There’s no defining how Sirius will react – he seems to hate bigotry enough, but even people who claim to hate bigotry are often terrified of werewolves. Remus isn’t ready to say anything outright, but he feels like it’s cruel, not telling Sirius.

He decides to tell him in the morning, after the moon. 

Remus flips through his geography book distractedly, frowning at the topographical maps. He picks up his lucky blue pencil and begins to write the answers to the questions in his notebook. The loud BANG of a door downstairs startles him into attention, and he hears footsteps that can only belong to his father. He holds his breath and inches closer to the door, and then, with quiet deliberation, grabs three ballpoint pens in his hand and tiptoes out of his room.

He manages to make it unseen to the kitchen, from where he can leave through the backdoor. His father is in the process of yelling at his mother, and he knows without needing to check that they’re yelling about _him_. He catches the words, “Hope, you can’t look after him _forever_ ,” with a snarl at the end. Taking a shaky breath, he opens the backdoor and walks out. Ensuring he can’t be seen from the living room windows, he walks out of the backyard carefully, and crosses the fence diagonally. 

Once he’s sure he’s out of their line of vision, he runs as fast as he can into the forest. For what feels like an hour but is probably only fifteen minutes, he runs. Finally, entirely spent, he sits against a tree and closes his eyes, taking deep breaths. He doesn’t feel any calmer – he feels as if he’s going to split open any minute. The afternoon sun drips through the canopy, leaving little bright spots on the forest floor. Remus sighs, and with one of the ballpoint pens, draws two stars on his left wrist.

After a moment of quiet thought, he draws a third star.

 

  


 Sirius is in Transfiguration when he sees the stars. He manages to stifle a gasp, aware that something drastic must have happened.

“James,” he whispers. “Can you get me out of this class?”

“What’s wrong, mate?” 

“Moony needs me, urgently,” Sirius murmurs. 

“Give me a second, I’ll think of a spell,” James says.

Sirius nods, taking his least runny quill, and writing on his wrist, with quick urgency, _hey, ill be with u in 5 mins or so. hang in there._ He accompanies this message with three hastily scribbled hearts.

James waves his wand, and Sirius coughs.

“There,” he whispers. “You’re green now. Will wear off in fifteen minutes.” 

Sirius hums in acknowledgement, getting up from his seat, still holding his quill.

“Yes, Mr. Black?” McGonagall asks, her voice strict.

“Professor, I don’t feel very well,” he gets out. His voice sounds strange.

She gives him a look. “I can see that. Would you like someone to assist you to the Hospital wing?” 

Sirius nods, but before he can suggest James or Peter, she says, “Meadowes, would you do the honours?” 

There is something like laughter in her eyes.

Pocketing his quill, Sirius waits for Dorcas to stand, and then they walk out of the class together.

“The hospital wing’s that way,” Dorcas says, as Sirius walks towards the dorms. Thankfully, she’s soft enough not to have been heard inside the classroom.

“I don’t need the hospital wing,” Sirius whispers. “It was a ruse.”

“Are you planning a prank?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. Dorcas doesn’t much care for pranks, despite having a wicked sense of humour.

“No, actually,” Sirius says softly, deciding on the spur of the moment that he can trust her. “My soulmate needs me. He gave me the emergency signal.”

“You have one of those? That’s neat,” Dorcas says, and Sirius can’t tell if she’s talking about Remus, or about their signal. “You should hurry then, yeah?”

“Yes,” Sirius says.

“Oh, wait,” Dorcas says, taking a pen out of her pocket. “That’ll be better than the quill. I’m going to go to the kitchens and grab a crumpet, and then I’ll head back to class.”

“Don’t get caught,” Sirius says, in lieu of a goodbye.

Then he runs, suddenly aware of how long he’s left Remus waiting.

 

 

Remus is tracing the unevenly drawn hearts with a finger, trying to ignore the sting of tears in his eyes. He will _not_ cry over his father. But this time of the month is rough as it is, and even little things set him off. His parents rowing in the living room over him is not a little thing by any definition. He might have heard only one sentence, but he knows what his father was building up to. 

He suddenly realises that Sirius is probably in class. He can’t help feeling guilty, but he’s still on the verge of panic. It might have been selfish to call for Sirius just then, but Remus didn’t have anybody else. That thought just made him sadder.

 _hi, im back!!!!_ Sirius’s handwriting declares. _what’s wrong, lupin?_

 _Did you skip class for me?_ Remus deflects. 

_yeah, don’t worry abt it though. it’s no big deal. sorry it took me a while!! we had transfig, our prof is pretty attentive. no writing on my arm in her hour. had to sneak out._

_I’m sorry, I know that’s your favourite subject._

_well! ur my favourite PERSON so. spill. what’s upsetting you?_

Remus takes a shaky breath.

 _you obvs don’t have to tell me if u don’t want_ Sirius’s handwriting says. _just tell me what u need from me. what i can do to help. i want to be here for you, ok? please don’t feel bad abt the fact that im here with u._

 _No, it’s okay,_ Remus writes. _I just don’t usually talk to people about this very much, but I want to tell you._

He closes his eyes, thinks out the words. When he opens his eyes, it’s to see the words _take your time._

 _Youre a godsend,_ he writes, embarrassed to find his vision blurring, this time with tears of gratitude. _i love you._

_i love you too. remus what’s going on??_

_My father’s back home,_ Remus gets out. _He usually never comes around this time. he was rowing with Mum. they were fighting about me._

_im so sorry, that sounds shit_

_yeah. it is._

Remus thinks for a minute, and then decides, fuck it. __

_I get sick a lot,_ he writes. _my dad doesn’t like that. he thinks it makes me less human._

 _FUCK HIM,_ Sirius’s writing says, loud and angry. _he’s wrong._

Remus wondered if Sirius would still be saying that, once he knew. It was not a nice thought.

 _my dad thinks that my mum can’t support me forever. but he knows it’ll be hard for me to keep a job once im an adult,_ Remus writes a little desperately. _he thinks taking care of me is a “burden” and he doesn’t want my mum to sacrifice her whole life doing that._

 _Whoa, Remus. Hey. he has no right to say that, ok?_ Sirius’s handwriting is rushed, and seems to convey some urgency. _Listen to me. they’re your parents. parenting is a hard task, but that doesn’t justify thinking of a child as a burden. if he thinks that, he doesn’t deserve to be a parent, pure & simple. it’s not your fault you get sick!!!  and taking care of you could never be a “sacrifice”, don’t put yourself down like that. you’re one of my best friends, it hurts me to think of anybody seeing you as something less than wonderful._

The response takes his breath away. _You’ve been talking to me for around a month. Less than, even._

_but that’s enough to decide that you’re important to me, so don’t give me shit about “not knowing you” or whatever else, ok?_

Remus blinks.

_i worry sometimes too. i don’t want to lose you. there’s a lot about me that you don’t know yet. but we’ll get there. for now, yes, you’re my best friend. i want you around._

_That’s mutual,_ Remus writes, feeling surprisingly numb.

 _my dad’s concerns are valid, though_ , he writes. _i mean. my mum’s not going to be around to support me forever._

_i feel like you’re going to hate this, but. both James and I come from pretty rich families, and you ARE our friend. we will support you however you need, if you let us. if it comes down to that. it doesn’t even need to be financial. jamie does a great foot massage. i could braid flowers into your hair._

_I don’t have enough hair for that, but I appreciate the sentiment._

Remus finds that he’s smiling.

 _thank you, sirius,_ he writes.

 _stay safe, remus,_ Sirius writes back. _what do you want me to draw for you today?_

Remus thinks for a minute.  He wants something that will help him forget about the events of the afternoon, and about what is going to happen in the night.

_kitchen utensils._

_wow. no wonder your other best friend says you’re an old man. just kidding! i support you & your quirks 100% , _Sirius writes.

Then, carefully, with a sort of delicateness that Remus feels rather than sees, Sirius begins to fill his arm with sketches of pots and pans, knives and forks, china teapots, cups and saucers, and other arbitrary items of cutlery. 

Remus lets himself believe, for a moment, that everything will be alright.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so tired.

Sirius spends most of the day worrying about Remus. The condition of apathetic parents isn’t one that is particularly unfamiliar to Sirius, and given this, he knows firsthand how much it can hurt. James notices something is off, but doesn’t comment on Sirius’s dazedness, or on the fact that his arm is decorated with detailed sketches of crockery and random kitchen utensils, and Sirius is grateful for it. He doesn’t think he can deal with having to put into words what’s bothering him.

Unfortunately, he ends up having to do just that before going to bed.

Sirius is ready to go to bed when he notices the art on his arm beginning to fade gradually, dying out. He makes a choked gasp, and James is by his side in a minute.

“What’s wrong, mate?” 

Sirius mutely holds his arm out for James to inspect. The ink is fading away faster, and now Sirius’s arm is bare. Both boys know that soulmate bonds don’t break except in grievous cases, such as, in most cases, the death of one soulmate.

“Maybe he just cleaned it off,” James says uncertainly. Sirius can tell that he doesn’t believe it either, but watches as James takes out a quill and writes a scratchy _hi_ onto Sirius’s arm. The ink seeps into his skin, leaving no mark. 

The boys exchange a look of horror.

“Bloody buggering _fuck_ ,” Sirius says with emphasis. “Jamie, I can’t, his father, Merlin, shit, I should’ve said something – ”

“Hold on,” James says, one of his arms reflexively curling around Sirius, who leans against him automatically. Sirius is shaking, his eyes wild. James tightens his grip, not enough to hurt, just to hold him steady.

“His dad’s an arsehole,” Sirius chokes out. “Thinks of him as a burden, what if he’s _done_ something, what if he’s hurt Remus, I should’ve done something, I should’ve known he wasn’t safe –” 

“Sirius,” James says softly. “Deep breaths. You’re no use to Remus if you give yourself a panic attack.”

Sirius shakes his head, still agitated, but makes an obvious attempt to calm himself down.

“His dad wouldn’t do something that extreme, would he?” James says softly. “I mean, there are legal consequences, but more than that, do you really think any parents would take such severe action on their child?” 

Sirius is so stunned that he forgets to worry about Remus for a millisecond.

“Do _I_ really thinkany parents would hurt their child that extremely? James, what the _fuck?_ ” 

James flinches as if he’s been hit, and in the bunk where Peter’s asleep, there’s a shifting noise. 

“Prongs, really,” Peter chides. “Think before you speak. If you’re trying to be Padfoot’s Agony Aunt, you’re not doing a very good job.”

“Sorry, I know your parents are awful. I shouldn’t have said that,” James murmurs, and extends his arms for a hug, which seems to be some sort of peace offering. After glaring at James for a minute, Sirius accepts it.

“I should’ve known, about his dad,” he mumbles into James’s shoulder. He feels a sudden tightness in his chest and thinks he’s going to cry.

“Hey, look. I don’t know what his dad’s capable of,” James says. “But I think you’re thinking of the worst case scenario. It’s possible that it’s something else, like a near-death experience. For all we know, he’s in St. Mungo’s right now. Try and get some sleep, Pads. We’ll give writing on your arm a shot again in the morning. The odds are the bond will be back then.” 

“Did you feel something cold in your arm?” Peter asks. “Like pins and needles?”

James and Sirius give him identical looks of confusion. Sirius, slowly and uncertainly, shakes his head.

“That’s what happens when one soulmate dies,” Peter says. “I read it. It’s called the frostbite effect. Impossible to miss. Your hand goes all cold when they’re on the verge of death, and when they actually die, you feel a cold stabbing pain in your chest.” 

Sirius feels slightly better at that. “My hand’s warm as fuck,” he murmurs. “Thanks, Pete.”

“So he’s not dead, or dying,” James says. “There are numerous things that could’ve happened. Pads, sleep on it, please.”

Sirius tries to swallow the feeling of anxiety, but he can’t rid himself of it entirely.

“Jamie,” he says softly. “Do you think, maybe, you could research the numerous things that could’ve happened? I just want to know.”

“Want to sneak into the library with me?” James offers, summoning his invisibility cloak.

Sirius shakes his head. “In my current mental state, I don’t see myself able to be of much use.”

“Pete, coming? You already know stuff about soulmate theory, you might be able to help,” James offers.

Peter shakes his head, but gets out of his bed.

“I’ll stay here with Pads,” he says. “I don’t feel right leaving him alone here. Besides, I’m not much good at research. I only knew the frostbite thing because it was in a magazine.”

“Knowing you, Witch Weekly’s Valentine edition,” Sirius says, giving Peter an overly suggestive wink. 

“Fuck off, Pads. It helped you, didn’t it?” James says, before putting the cloak on and walking out of the dorm.

“Yeah,” Sirius says, his tone genuinely grateful. “Thanks, Pete.” 

Peter nods, and moves so that he’s sitting next to Sirius, their shoulders touching. Peter isn’t as big on physical contact as James and Sirius are, but emergencies call for accommodation, so he wraps an arm around Sirius, who lets his head rest on Peter’s shoulder. 

When James comes back to the dorm hours later, feeling unsettled by what he’s found, he’s greeted by the sight of Peter and Sirius, asleep in a heap on Sirius’s bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't want to be known for "2 updates in the same week & then radio silence for a month," which, essentially, is what i have been doing. so yeah, will try & do better. thanks for reading, love u guys. 
> 
> also, the concept of agony aunts has been around for far longer than i thought & is also far more interesting than i thought. aNYWAY that's a story for another time!
> 
> shoot me asks on screamingforsirius @ tumblr if you want. you can also yell about updates or ask for behind the scenes stuff. im gonna catch some sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your patience. i had like, five different deadlines that all clashed, but that's all in the past now so here i am <3

The first thing Sirius does in the morning is take a pen and write _HELLO_ on his wrist. When it doesn’t disappear, he feels like a weight is off his back. Carefully, he goes on to write, _i hope youre doing okay, remus. the bond snapped last night and i was so worried about you. i’m here if you need anything, just let me know how i can help._ He thinks for a minute, and then adds, carefully, _love you._

There isn’t any immediate response. 

There’s a shifting noise, and Sirius notices Peter glancing at him. 

“He may be asleep,” Peter says. “Or he may be resting. He’ll take his time to respond, but you know he’s there. Let’s get breakfast.” 

They go to the Great Hall and begin to eat. Ten minutes later, they’re joined by James, who, despite his post-practice shower, still smells like Quidditch equipment. 

Peter updates James on the situation, but Sirius can’t find it in himself to pay attention. He stares at his arm distractedly, waiting.

 

Hope Lupin is busy bandaging Remus when the words appear. Remus is fast asleep, tired in the way he only is after moons. His wounds are pretty bad this time as well, claw marks on his chest, three sprained joints and one broken bone. Hope knows how to fix the bone, and they stock healing potions, which she knows how to use despite being a Muggle. However, there’s a sequence to it, and healing usually takes a minimum of one day.

Hope glances at the words, and decides that she will wait until Remus wakes up before they send a response. Remus’s right wrist has been sprained, after all, and one of his fingers has a deep cut. It’s unlikely he’ll be able to write anything by himself.

 

At around noon, Sirius notices words on his arm, in unfamiliar handwriting. He excuses himself from class and runs back to the dorm.

_Hello Sirius,_ the words say. They’re a lot tidier than Remus’s handwriting, loopy cursive that’s symmetrical. _This is Hope –  I’m Remus’s mum. Remus wants me to tell you that he’ll be alright. Right now, his hand is injured, which is why I’m writing on his behalf. He says he appreciates your concern._

Sirius takes a shaky breath. He doesn’t think saying “damn right I was concerned!” is going to get him anywhere good with Remus’s mother. Instead, he settles with _what happened?_

_He’ll tell you when he gets better,_ the handwriting says. 

Sirius suddenly wonders what this is like for Remus – not being able to communicate directly, having to filter everything he says through his mother. He realises that maybe, any conversation he wants to have is best postponed until Remus can write things himself. 

_yeah, okay,_ Sirius writes. _sorry, it’s just. i don’t like thinking of remus being hurt. i wish there was something i could actually do for him. he’s reading this, right?_

_Right over my shoulder, yes._

_do you want me to draw something for you, remus? would that help?_

 

Hope gives Remus a gentle but questioning look. Remus blinks, likely on the verge of tears. Mornings after the moon were always difficult for him.

“Tell him flowers,” Remus murmurs. “And that I’m going to nap.” 

Hope begins to write out Remus’s request, but she simultaneously says to her son, “You should tell Sirius.” 

“Mum,” Remus says. He sounds tired, decades older than a boy who’s less than fourteen. “I’m afraid he’ll stop talking to me.” 

“You know soulmate magic isn’t that unstable, love,” she says. “If the bond works, he’s exactly the person he needs to be, to be with you, in whatever capacity. He’s not going to abandon you for who you are.” 

They both watch quietly, as Sirius’s untidy scribble says _sleep well, remus_ followed by a few hearts. Then all the writing disappears, and slowly and with more detail than ever before, Remus’s hands begin to fill with an assortment of flowers. 

“He’s drawing with so much care,” Remus says. He still sounds exhausted, and he’s struggling to keep his eyes open, but his gaze is focused on his arm. 

“He cares about you,” Hope says. “He seems lovely.”

“He’s the best,” Remus agrees, before closing his eyes and letting himself sleep. 

Hope sat by his side, watching as his arm fills up with flowers. However, as she’s watching, the words, _Mrs. Lupin, will he really be okay?_ appear. 

_He should be alright,_ she writes back. _He’s tired, but he’s recovering. don’t worry, our boy’s very resilient._

_it’s not fair,_ Sirius’s writing says. _remus doesn’t deserve to be in so much pain._

_We can both agree on that,_ Hope writes. Then, carefully, she adds, _I’m doing everything I can to take care of him, Sirius._

_i know,_ Sirius writes. _i mean, that’s what i thought. i didn’t mean to blame you , i just, don’t like thinking of remus hurt. especially knowing that i can’t help._

_You do help, love,_ Hope writes easily. _Your friendship helps him immensely. You might not be right here, now, but you still are able to show him that you care for him, and that’s important as well._

_im glad to hear that,_ Sirius writes. _thank you, mrs. lupin._

_Hope is fine, Sirius._

_okay._

He goes back to drawing flowers, and then, as she watches, he writes, _im going to erase our conversation. more space for flowers._

_Go ahead,_ she writes.

Sirius does. __

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah i know this chapter is small and somewhat uneventful but i promise the next few chapters will make up for it!  
> love u guys :'))


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) 
> 
> this one felt a little rough to me, but im hoping it's just me, being a picky author.  
> there was gonna be more, but i felt like it'd get too long in this chapter, so i split the thing into 2.  
> thanks for all the support!

James is trying not to worry, especially given how relieved and relaxed Sirius is. However, trying not to worry is different from managing not to worry. 

He hasn’t said anything to Sirius, but he can’t shake off his unease. He remembers the night he’d done the research – how all the books had said that only death, or curses of a very dark nature could disrupt soulmate magic. He’d worried about what could’ve happened to Remus, and then looked out of the window, entirely by chance, just to see the full moon.

He’d spent the next hour researching werewolves, and come back to the dormitory with a heavy heart. He already knew a little bit about them, of course, given that his parents had initiated some social justice movements centred around werewolves. That’s different from _knowing_ someone who is a werewolf. Even if it’s just suspicion at this point, James has a strong gut feeling about it.

Three days after the full moon, James pulls Sirius aside during their lunch break. 

“Listen, Pads,” he says. “Did Remus tell you anything about what happened to him three nights ago?” 

Sirius shakes his head, looking partially worried and partially defensive. “I’m waiting for him to bring it up. I want him to trust me enough to tell me, you know?” 

James nods. “Alright, but do you think I could speak to Remus?” 

Sirius rolls his sleeve up, thrusts his left arm in James’s face. “Anytime, mate, all you gotta do is ask.” 

“No, I mean,” James takes a shaky breath. “Talk to him _alone_ , you know?” 

“Is something wrong?” Sirius asks. He looks unsettled.

“I think I know what happened that night,” James says. “I want to talk to him about it. I’ll be respectful, I promise.” 

Sirius raises an eyebrow. James can tell he doesn’t like this. 

“Padfoot, I did some research, remember? I think I know what’s going on with him, and I feel uncomfortable knowing something that Remus might not want us knowing. Of course, there’s the possibility that I got it wrong, and that’s why I want to talk to him. I need him to know what I found out, to confirm or deny it.” 

Sirius looks less suspicious now.  “Okay then, write on my arm. I’ll look away.” 

James nods. “Thank you.” 

Sirius looks like he’s going to say something, but remains silent. 

James pulls a quill out of his pocket, and writes _hey Remus, can we talk?_ He doesn’t have to wait long for the answer. 

_Yeah, James, what’s up? where’s Sirius?_

_he’s right here, don’t worry_ James scribbles. _I wanted to talk to u alone, actually_

_Oh?_ Remus’s writing says. __

_yeah, Sirius is ok with that. wanted to talk to you abt 3 nights ago_ James begins, but he’s interrupted by Remus’s writing, looking more agitated than James has ever seen it look before. 

_James, not like this. please_

James pauses for a moment. _okay, but i really do want to talk to you._

_Not on Sirius’s arm,_ Remus’s handwriting says. _I don’t feel comfortable having a secret conversation on his arm._

_fair enough,_ James says. _how, then?_

As he watches, a series of numbers scratch themselves out on Sirius’s arm. 

_That’s my number,_ Remus’s handwriting explains. _Sirius says you both take Muggle Studies?_

_yeah, i know what a telephone is,_ James says. _how do i call u from Hogwarts, though?_

_You go to McGonagall’s office,_ Remus writes. _you get phone privileges once a week. meant for Muggleborn students, obviously, but she can’t refuse you if you decide to exercise them. say you’re talking to a family friend and you’ll get 45 minutes._

_that’s cool, how do you know this?????_ James writes. 

_I have my ways,_ Remus writes. _oh by the way –  keep this conversation on Sirius’s hand, in case he wants to call me later._

_so, i’ll ring u now?_  
  


_doubtful you’ll get permission to call now,_ Remus’s handwriting says. _try tonight, after dinner? or maybe in the evening after your classes, what time will that be?_

_I have Quidditch practice,_ James writes. _I’ll ask McG if i can call u at 8???_

_sounds good,_ Remus writes. _everything’s OK, right?_

It suddenly occurs to James, for the first time, that maybe Remus is worried about this. Maybe he’s unsure how his friends will react, worried that it’ll mean something bad for their friendship. 

_yes,_ James writes. _no matter what. me & Sirius are here for you, buddy. _

_“buddy”???_

_shut up, remus,_ James writes with a smile. 

“You can look now,” he tells Sirius. 

“Are you stealing my best friend?” Sirius asks, sounding almost angry. But he smiles at James, so it’s obviously alright. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sigh, writering is hard  
> love u guys!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing through a writer's block is TOUGH so if any of this seems more stilted than usual, well. you know why :(  
> that said. update's here! hope y'all like it.  
> sorry for lack of sirius in this chapter, lol.

Remus is sitting next to the phone at 8, but it doesn’t ring. He waits, his anxiety rising. There’d been no doubt in his mind what James wanted to speak about, and he was certain that it couldn’t end well. 

Hope sees him sitting and walks up to him, gently ruffling his hair. “Waiting for Sirius to call?” 

Remus shakes his head. “No, James. His best friend, remember I told you about him?” 

“Yes, I think I do,” Hope says. “What are you worried about?”

“I’m certain he’s figured it out,” Remus says softly. “That I’m, you know, what I am.” 

Hope gives him a long look. “Okay, and what of it?” 

“That’s why I’m worried,” Remus says. “I don’t know how he’ll react.” 

Right on cue, the phone begins to ring. Remus stares at the clock – it’s just 8:15. His mum ruffles his hair before she goes to the kitchen. 

With slightly shaky hands, Remus picks the phone up. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi, is that Remus?” 

Remus swallows. “Yeah.” 

He vaguely registers that the voice is slightly deeper than he’d expected it to be, although not by much. 

“Ay, mate. James here. Sorry it took a while, had to convince Minnie, you know how it is. Or maybe you don’t. Anyway.” 

“Yeah, alright,” Remus says. 

There’s awkward silence for a minute. Then –

“I didn’t expect you to sound so Welsh,” James says. 

“Right,” Remus says. “What did you expect? I live in Wales, James.” 

“Okay,” James says. “Sorry, I’ve never…used one of these before.” 

“At least you’re not yelling,” Remus points out. 

“Thanks, that makes me feel so much better,” James says, and Remus can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not. 

There’s more awkward silence, and then Remus says, “Did you have something you wanted to tell me, or ask me?” 

There’s a humming sound from the other end. 

“Yeah, three nights ago,” James begins. “It was a full moon night and everything. I don’t want to assume, but are you….” 

Remus steels his nerves. “A werewolf? Yes, I am. I understand if you don’t want to interact with me now, or –  ”

James cuts him off almost instantly. “No, no, this doesn’t change anything! You’re only a werewolf one night of the month, anyway. Plus it’s kinda cool, you know?” 

“It’s cool that I’m a werewolf?” Remus asks disbelievingly. 

“Yeah, I mean, you change form once every month,” James says. “That’s cool.” 

“And it _hurts,_ and I lose _control,_ and it’s awful,” Remus says, suddenly angry. “It’s not cool.” 

“Right, sorry, I didn’t mean to make light of it,” James says. “I just think you’re strong for going through all that and still being, you know. Regular old Remus Lupin.” 

“James, if this is your idea of a pep talk, it isn’t really helping.” 

Remus hears a sigh from the other end. 

“I know,” James says. “I just want you to know that this doesn’t change how I see you, that I’m still your friend.”

“Even now that you know?” 

“Yeah, Remus, it’s not such a big deal,” James says.

Remus closes his eyes and tries to believe that.

“You need to tell Sirius,” James goes on to say.

Remus hums. “Everyone’s been saying that, and I do plan to eventually. You really don’t care?” 

“Nah, mate. This doesn’t change who you are. But listen, you have to tell Sirius. He won’t care either. He’s really vocal about inclusivity and not being a bigot and whatnot, you know. You can’t actually think that he’d see you differently, once he knows?” James’s voice is soft, like he’s trying to be gentle with it. Remus actually appreciates it.

“Next full moon, the bond’s going to break again,” James goes on to say. “And the moon after that, and after that. Sirius worries, you know. You should’ve seen him that night, he was in such a state. I know it’s hard for you too, and I don’t want to sound selfish, but please don’t let him deal with that again. Plus, eventually he’s going to find out, and you don’t want him thinking that you don’t trust him, or something, right?” 

“Of course,” Remus says. “I don’t want him to worry about me, or whatever, James. It’s just a lot.” 

“I know,” James says. “I respect that, I really do.” 

Remus takes a little breath. “Thanks for calling me to talk about this. I really appreciate it.” 

“Well,” James says. “What are friends for, right?” 

Remus smiles.

“So,” James says. “We have more than twenty minutes left for this call. Since I’m in McG’s office, I can’t exactly detail out the pranks Sirius and I have planned, even if we do get privacy while we talk. Are you free, do you want to talk about something? Like, I don’t know, uh, what’s the weather like in Wales?” 

Remus laughs. “James, you’re a clueless bastard,” he says, and revels in the shocked gasp he hears on the other end. 

“It’s alright though,” Remus amends. “Diversity in friendships is an important skill, so I guess I’ll keep you around, awkwardness and all.” 

“Thanks, Remus,” James says. “Means the world. How was your day?” 

“Same old,” Remus says. “Studied a bit, finished an assignment. Handed in some work for grading. Took a little afternoon nap. Listened to some Beatles.” 

“OH MATE I LOVE THE BEATLES!! WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE SONG? FAVOURITE ALBUM?” 

“Inside voice, James,” Remus reminds. But he’s smiling, and he knows James is, on the other end, too. 

As expected, the call gets a lot more fun after that –both boys talking about music, and eventually, Quidditch. 

Remus feels a little lighter inside, when he says goodbye to James, and puts the phone down. 


	11. Chapter 11

“And he said _Rubber Soul_ was great, because it had some kind of energy to it, yeah? Like he mentioned that it felt kinda conceptual to him, which I’d never really thought about, but I think I get it,” James says excitedly. “He was talking about songs I didn’t know other people liked, like he said that _A Taste of Honey_ was one of his favourite songs, and when he said that, I was so startled you know? But in a good way because damn, Pads, he’s so cool and his musical taste is superb too, and did I mention, he has this Welsh accent that makes me want to laugh at him but also protect him, right, and – ”

“I get it,” Sirius says. He hates the fact that he’s feeling bitter about this, but Remus is _his soulmate_ , not James F Potter’s. He’s glad they’re getting along, glad that James approves, but something in his chest aches, and he hates that he’s jealous, but he can’t help wishing that he knew what Remus’s voice sounded like without having to listen to James’s digressive descriptions. 

James is watching him with an expression that suggests that he wants to say more, but isn’t going to. 

“I’m going to write him now,” Sirius says, aware that he sounds a little petulant, but not really caring. He finds the pen that Dorcas gave him, enters his bed, draws the bed-curtains and charms them shut.

 _hey, remus_ he writes, wondering why he feels so bitter.

 _Hi_ , Remus’s handwriting says. 

Sirius stares for a minute, unsure what to write. He’s saved by Remus’s handwriting, spelling out _Are you alright?_

Sirius takes a deep breath. He can do this. 

_im fine, except that…james loved talking to you on the phone, and im happy, don’t get me wrong, i’m happy_

Sirius takes another breath. 

_i wish you’d spoken to me over the phone first,_ he writes. _i wish i knew what your voice sounds like, that i didn’t need to listen to james talk about how you sound like a “little old welshman” or something i don’t know_

For a moment, nothing comes from Remus’s end. Sirius thinks maybe this is it, maybe he just isn’t going to hear from Remus again, or maybe Remus will tell him to stop being so whiny and never write on his arm. Instead, as he watches, the words _me too_ appear. 

Sirius waits. 

_I never thought I’d hear James’s voice before yours. I would’ve liked it to be you, too._

Sirius waits more, but apparently nothing else is forthcoming. He steels his nerves, and writes _why, though? why did u ask james to call you?_

The words come easily now from Remus’s end. _James wanted to ask me something secret, you know that. I didn’t feel comfortable writing something on your arm that was hidden from you. I mean, Sirius, it’s your arm, too. It’s not parchment or something. I couldn’t do that to you_

Sirius is surprised to find that Remus’s explanation makes him feel much, much better. _that’s really considerate of you_

_Well, thank you Monsieur, I try._

_we can talk on the phone soon, right? i copied your number in one of my books_ , Sirius writes, deciding against mentioning that he had also memorized the aforementioned number. 

_ask McGonagall, and call me sometime over the weekend if you want. but there’s something I need to tell you, first_

Sirius doesn’t even need to think. _go ahead, im listening <3_

 _uh. Sirius I understand if you don’t want to talk to me after this, or something,_ Remus’s handwriting scribbles out, a hurried and messy rush of a thing. _I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I hope you don’t hate me for it, but it’s okay if you do_

 _Remus,_ Sirius interrupts. _already told you: i would never hate you._

 _hear me out, fucksake,_ Remus’s handwriting says, and Sirius is startled into silence, because Remus doesn’t talk like that. _I’m a werewolf._

A billion things go through Sirius’s mind at that, but he knows his immediate concern is reassuring Remus, so he writes _okay, but you’re still Remus, you’re still my soulmate, and you still wear baggy cardigans in June, yeah?_

 _can’t beleive you remember that,_ Remus’s handwriting says, shaky. 

_of course i do. remus i don’t hate you, ok? this doesn’t impact our friendship at all. im proud of u, i’ve heard that transformations are rlly painful. are u staying safe?_

_I’m trying my best,_ Remus’s handwriting says. _thank you, Sirius._ It’s still shaky, and Sirius wonders whether Remus is crying, hopes that he isn’t. He wishes he could see Remus, hold him until his insecurities disappear. 

_im here for you unconditionally,_ Sirius writes. _im sending you so much love._

 _I think I need a while to process this,_ Remus writes. _sorry, i just. i just need time, Sirius._

 _it’s okay,_ Sirius writes. _we can talk tomorrow._

 _thank you <3 _Remus writes. Sirius expects radio silence, and he gets it, but right before Remus goes quiet, he gets the words _i have another secret._

 _yes?_ Sirius asks.

 _I’m best friends with Lily Evans,_ Remus writes. _I’ll tell you more tomorrow, goodnight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope that lily twist was surprising!! i totally saw it coming, but im the one writing this so my opinion's obviously not valid, lol. more coming eventually, thanks for all the support <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i struggled with this one, and it turned out VERY different from how i'd planned.  
> i think it's the best version it can be, though!

Sirius runs down to the common room, only bothering to wipe off the ink and magic away their conversation first. Lily, as he expects, is sitting with Marlene and Dorcas and Alice on what most Gryffindors’ in their year consider “their corner.” 

“Evans,” he says. “Could I have a minute?” 

The three girls stop what they’re doing and give him a quizzical look. 

“I swear, if this is about one of Potter’s schemes, you can just forget it,” Lily says. 

“It’s not,” Sirius says. “I need to talk to you.” 

 

It’s no big secret that Sirius Black and Lily Evans aren’t friends. They’re not enemies either – if anything, Sirius has grudging respect for Lily, who despite seeming like a stickler for rules, certainly knows how to have fun. She’s also the only person who can get better marks than him in Charms, and Sirius has always loved challenges and competitions. The reason that Sirius and Lily aren’t friends is, if anything, because of James. Lily has a very strong dislike for the boy, which is completely understandable given how he always forgets how to act normal around her, and Lily’s always viewed Sirius as James’s shadow or sidekick. 

They do have mutual friends though – Marlene is to Lily what James is to Sirius, but it’s common knowledge that after James, Marlene is Sirius’s best friend. Maybe that’s what gives Sirius credibility in that moment, since Lily follows him without further complaint. 

“Okay, Black,” she says once they’re in the corner of the common room. “Spill.” 

Sirius, who’s usually as impulsive as it gets, finds himself having second thoughts. Remus must have had a reason not to tell him, so he decides not to tell her about the soulmate bond or anything else. Instead, hoping he doesn’t sound too suspicious, he says, “Tell me about your best friend.” 

Lily raises an eyebrow. “Marlene Mckinnon?” 

Sirius shakes his head, and finds himself unable to meet her gaze. “Remus Lupin.” 

“How do you know Remus?” Lily asks. She sounds almost excited, but at the same time, wary. “If this is a prank, I swear to Merlin – ”

“It isn’t!” Sirius says.  “Never you mind how I know him, just tell me about him. How do _you_ know him?” 

“My dad’s from the same part of Wales that Remus and his family are in,” Lily says. She’s still giving him a dubious look, but she’s also giving him the benefit of the doubt so he’ll take it. “My mum and her family home is in Cokeworth, and we lived there until I was around five. After that, well. We’ve moved between houses a bit, you know? Depending on what my mum and dad could find for work. I met Remus when I was seven, we’ve been thick as thieves since.” 

“Thick as thieves?” Sirius asks, intrigued.

“It’s a Muggle saying. As close friends as it gets, partner in crime, whatever,” Lily smiles fondly. “He’s sort of to me what James is to you, I suppose. If you hurt him, I don’t know what I’ll do to you, but Azkaban would probably be kinder.” 

Sirius gives Lily a disbelieving look. “I’d rather chop off my finger with a knife than hurt Remus, thank you very much.” 

“How do _you_ know Remus?” Lily asks. “He never mentioned knowing you.” 

“He never mentioned knowing _you_ either, until tonight,” Sirius says without thinking it through. “I suppose he had some reason for keeping quiet –  I take it you’ve told him about me? From my end at least, he knows I know you.” 

“How did you talk to him tonight?” Lily asks, intrigued. “Did you meet him in Hogsmeade and exchange two-way mirrors with him, or something?” 

“Two-way mirrors?” Sirius raises an eyebrow. “Aren’t those absurdly expensive to buy?” 

“Yeah, but they’re not so hard to enchant,” Lily says. “Dorc and I figured out a combination of spells that’s pretty sturdy. It’s purely theoretical, though – some of the spells are much above our level.” 

“I’ll bet,” Sirius says, grinning at her. After a moment, she grins back. 

“What made you think I could do it, anyway?” he challenges. 

“The fact that you, James, and Peter have all made it reasonably far in your Animagus transformation might be a clue,” she says smoothly, and laughs when she notices him gaping. “I noticed all the relevant books were missing from the library perpetually all the time, and when I asked Pince who’d checked them out, she’d always give me one of your names.” 

Sirius takes a deep breath, tells himself it’s just Lily and that he’s safe. 

“Okay, so not mirrors,” she says. “You didn’t leave the dorm to call either, I would’ve seen you. I’ve been in the common room since dinner.” 

“Playing poker with the girls?” Sirius asks. 

“Don’t you know it,” Lily says easily, knocking their shoulders together as if they’re bosom buddies. “Not mirrors, not a phone. Enchanted parchment?” 

Sirius shakes his head. “Lily, maybe there’s a reason he hasn’t told you – ” 

“Shite,” Lily says, her eyes suddenly alight. “You must be his soulmate.” 

Sirius doesn’t say anything, which probably confirms it. 

“I did think the writing on your arm looked a bit like Remus’s,” Lily says thoughtfully. “I didn’t suspect anything, you know, the world is a big place and all that. But I get it, if it’s you. I’m not sure why Remus didn’t tell me, but he gets like that sometimes.” 

“Like what?” Sirius asks, suddenly afraid that Remus is ashamed of him. Maybe the expression on his face is easy to read, because Lily puts a hand on his arm comfortingly. 

“Secretive,” she says. “Remus likes to think he’s a man of many mysteries.” 

“I think he’s allowed that,” Sirius says, and Lily laughs. 

“You’re a treasure,” she says. “I wish I’d talked to you earlier.” 

“Just thought of me as Potter’s sidekick, did you?” Sirius says, not unkindly. 

Lily smiles sheepishly. “Thought of you both as a double act, if you know what I mean. So far you haven’t asked me out, though, so I’m ready to extend an olive branch.” 

“Muggle idioms are so weird,” Sirius murmurs. “Keep your olive branch, Lily.” 

They sit together in silence for a while, which is strange. It seems that they’ve gone from acquaintances to good friends all of a sudden, but it’s not an unwelcome change of dynamic. Sirius finds it’s actually easy to be with Lily, just like that. 

“You’re surprisingly alright with me being Remus’s soulmate,” Sirius says eventually.

“What do you want, me to throw a hissy fit?” she asks, smirking. “In all honesty, you seem to genuinely care about him and have his well-being in mind. He’s sounded much happier in his letters to me recently, which I suppose I can credit to you. He did mention making new friends and feeling like someone’s looking out for him.”

“I’m trying my best,” Sirius admits. “But Lily, I don’t know how to be there for him the way he needs me to be.” 

“I’m sure you’re doing perfectly well,” Lily says. “If you’re as aware of what he needs as you are with Regulus, and as caring as you are with James, which I think you are towards him, it’ll be fine. Did you mean something specifically, though?” 

Sirius takes a small breath. Lily’s been friends with Remus since they were seven, surely she knows about his lycanthropy. Sirius doesn’t want to expose Remus, so he chooses his words carefully. 

“Uh, he told me about his furry little problem tonight,” Sirius says carefully. “You know what I’m talking about, I take it?” 

Lily laughs, bigger and louder than she had at any point previously in the conversation. “Furry little problem, I swear to god. That’s gold, tell him that. He’ll love it.” 

She quiets down though, gives him an analytical look. “Just be there for him. Remus thinks it’s a big deal, and to him, it is a very big deal. His dad isn’t too supportive, so I think he’s always a little nervous about how people will react. Let him set boundaries, tell him you’re there for him no matter what. And honestly? Ask _him_ how he wants you to help. Remus can be unpredictable, but he’s always honest. It’s best for you to get the answer from him, if you want to be specific here.” 

Sirius nods. He’s silent for a moment, gathering his courage. He tells himself he’s a Gryffindor and looks up, meets Lily’s eyes. 

“I’ve heard transformations hurt like hell,” he says. 

Lily nods. “He usually spends the entire day after the moon recovering, sometimes even two days after if the wolf has been particularly brutal.” 

Sirius takes a shaky breath. “Sounds like a lot of injuries.” 

Lily looks away. “It’s very bad. The wolf can get angry, not know how to express it. Remus takes great effort not to let his lycanthropy ever hurt someone else, but it ends up taking its toll on him.” 

“Is there anything we can do?” Sirius asks. 

Lily looks at him for one long minute, as if deciding whether to trust him. “As humans, no,” she finally says. “Which is why I was so peeved at your gang for perpetually borrowing the Animagus research things.” 

Sirius blinks. “You think the wolf won’t hurt Animagi?” 

“In animal form, no,” Lily says. “The wolf only preys on humans. I’ve done my research.” 

Sirius smiles. “We’re making progress, you know. With the transformations.” 

“I do know,” she says. 

“Would you want to join us?” Sirius asks, sincerely. “I’m sure the boys would be happy to have you on board.” 

Lily looks thoughtful for a minute, before she nods. “Count me in, on one condition.” 

“Get James to stop asking you on dates?” Sirius asks. 

Lily smiles. “Wow Sirius, you know me so well.”

And Sirius thinks that one day he actually will know her that well. He finds he’s actually looking forward to it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoyed that <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im alive, im here, i love you all.  
> im not super sure what this chapter is but i hope y'all like it <3

Remus wakes up curled into himself. He blinks, stretches out, and notices Sirius’s handwriting on his arm.

 _good morning remus,_ it says, like an old friend. _im awake so. if u want to talk to me, im here, anytime, OK? love you._

There are some carefully drawn little hearts underneath. Remus takes a few deep breaths, and then does what he’s been doing every time Sirius does something particularly touching or draws something beautiful; cherishing the moment as if it’s the last of its kind. 

Remus goes downstairs and gets himself a cup of tea and an apple from the kitchen. He carries these back into his room and gets out his favourite sketch pen – it’s a dark blue, and on his scarred arm it always felt like he was redrawing his veins but making them more like rivers. 

_Good morning, Sirius_ he writes. _Thank you for last night, sorry I disappeared on you like that._

 _you have nothing to apologize for,_ Sirius writes back instantaneously. _Good things can be overwhelming too, it’s ok._

Remus smiles involuntarily, closes his eyes, opens them again.

 _I’m still feeling a little overwhelmed,_ he admits. _But I don’t need space or silence or anything._

 _okay,_ Sirius writes. _listen, im here for u however you need. tell me how i can support you, how i can be there for you. if u want to talk about last night we can. if you don’t want to we dont have to. its ur choice, remus._

 _I appreciate that,_ Remus writes, and he does. He takes a sip of his tea, suddenly aware of how relieved he feels. He feels as if he can breathe for the first time in years.   _I’ll tell you if there’s anything, but for now this is enough. it means the world that you’re still here, Sirius._

_of course, silly._

Remus feels his smile grow bigger. 

_there’s something i need to tell you,_ Sirius’s handwriting begins to say. _promise not to hate me?_  
  


_Depends on what the thing is,_ Remus writes out. _what have you done? But honestly – I don’t think I could ever hate you._

_i spoke to lily last night,_ Sirius writes. _didn’t mean to tell her about us, i just wanted to talk to someone who knew you, you know?_

Remus does not know, and he writes that on their arm. 

_about what u told me last night,_ Sirius’s writing is beginning to explain. _i wanted to know how to be there for you, i wanted to talk it out with someone who knew you better than i did, and i thought i could ask lily about how to be there for u in the best way. i didn’t mean to expose us – just wasn’t thinking, im sorry. but essentially i told her i’d spoken to u and she asked how i knew you and i didnt tell her but she guessed??? i shouldn’t be surprised she is VERY smart and i knew that but it’s just. i don’t know i mean i know you had a reason not to tell us before but i just needed to talk to someone who knew you and to someone who isn’t james, you know?_  
  


Remus blinks, reading the paragraph thrice just to ensure he doesn’t miss anything.

_remus, please say something._

_Sorry, I’m thinking,_ Remus writes. _You asked Lily about me, because you wanted to know how to support me and you thought she’d know, but you didn’t tell her we were soulmates._

 _essentially, yeah_ Sirius’s handwriting says.

 _why didn’t you want to talk to James?_  
  


_because Lily knows you best,_ Sirius’s writing says. _i didn’t mean to cross any boundaries remus i promise_

 _I’m not upset,_ Remus writes. _I trust you, and I’m glad you both talked in a way, since you’re both my best friends. how did she take it?_

 _very well, to be honest,_ Sirius writes. _she said that you’re always a little secretive, and she wasn’t upset you hadn’t told her before._

Remus hums without realising he’s doing it. _Okay, I should explain that. Lils has mentioned you and James many many times, which is why when I realised that I had YOU on the other end of the soulmate bond, I didn’t tell her, and I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want biases to get in the way, and I wanted to get to know you on MY own terms, not on Lily’s. I didn’t want to see u through Lily’s eyes, you get me? and vice versa. I didn’t want you both to know until we were at the point where we’re both comfortable enough with each other that nothing Lily says to you or nothing you say to Lily will change anything about how we perceive each other. if that makes sense?_

There’s silence on Sirius’s end for a minute. Then, _that makes perfect sense. u wrote that out so nicely._

 _Thank you,_ Remus writes. 

_one more thing u need to know,_ Sirius writes. _jamie & i call u “moony” all the time now. unironically._

 _Yeah, it’s a tragedy, being a werewolf called Remus Lupin,_ Remus writes. _it’s too much._

_it’s beautiful. my name is like, a black dog or something._

_Canine family for life,_ Remus writes, suddenly realising that he can make such jokes now. 

_woof <3 _

There’s silence for a moment, and then Remus writes, _how did you & Lily get along?_

 _really well,_ Sirius writes. _she’s amazing, and having u as a common bond made it rlly easy for us to open up to each other, in some ways. we’d never really talked before, i wish i’d gotten to know her earlier._

 _She’s really a gem,_ Remus says. 

_jamie’s going to go berserk,_ Sirius writes. _absolutely crazy. you KNOW how he is about lily._

 _God, yeah. I don’t want to get in the middle of that,_ Remus writes. 

_i think we both sort of are, already,_ Sirius writes. 

Remus smiles.

 _speaking of jamie, he’s calling me & i think i need to go. we’re alright though, yeah?_  
  


_Yeah, Sirius we’re absolutely okay,_ Remus writes. It’s true, he feels better than ever. _thank you for this._

 _there’s nothing to thank me for,_ Sirius writes.

But Remus is grateful, all the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why is writing so difficult hsdkdsghfdkj i SWEAR


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in some ways this chapter is a little dark. nothing said outright, some things implied.   
> hurt/comfort vibes i guess???? hashtag "james potter is a good friend" 
> 
> also thank u all for the sweet comments and whatnot on the last chapter. i'm glad that this story means that much to you guys, and i'll definitely respond when my brain feels less like cheese <3   
> rlly appreciate all the support!

Sirius knows he has nothing to be worried about, but he’s anxious over it all the same. He spends the day dwelling on how he feels and what he needs to say, and then after dinner, corners James in the Gryffindor common room. 

“Jamie,” he says. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.” 

James gives him a soft look, raises an eyebrow. “Spill.” 

Sirius shakes his head, gently puts his hand on James’s elbow and tugs him away from the centre of the common room, to a slightly hidden alcove. 

“Remus told me that he’s a werewolf,” Sirius says. “And I know you know, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” James says. He still looks unsure about what’s going on, which is understandable. Sirius knows he’s not doing a very good job of this, but he feels unsettled and twitchy, inexplicably nervous. 

“Your parents are werewolf activists, so you probably know a little bit about what it means,” Sirius says. 

“Sure,” James says. “I’m sure you know that transformations are painful, but beyond that, there’s legal inequalities, social stigma, the whole package. It’s quite understandable that Remus was afraid about telling us.” 

Sirius nods. “There’s something else he told me, something he didn’t tell you. Promise not to freak out?”

“You’re acting really weird, mate,” James says, looking concerned. “Everything alright?”

“Depends on how you take this,” Sirius says. “He’s best friends with Lily.” 

“Lily Evans? _Our_ Lily?” 

“Don’t think I’d call her our Lily, but yes,” Sirius says. 

“That’s neat,” James says, gleeful. “Maybe he can put in a good word, yeah?” 

Sirius shrugs. “That’s neither here nor there. What I want to tell you is….”

His voice tapered off. He wasn’t sure how to put it in words, the crux of the message, the importance of what they needed to do, but mostly, the insecurity he couldn’t help but feel, that he would be sidelined and forgotten. 

James gently puts an arm around Sirius, who leans into him gratefully.

“Whatever it is, I’m here for you,” James says softly. “You know that, Pads.” 

“Lily knows we’re doing the Animagus thing,” Sirius mumbles. “She knows, and she thinks it’ll help Remus, to be surrounded by Animagi during the full moon. And I invited her to join us, because she said she’d been wanting to figure it out herself for a while now, but noticed that we always have the books and material to do it.” 

“Okay,” James says. “So she’ll be spending a lot of time with us?” 

“Yeah, as long as you promise not to flirt incessantly,” Sirius says. And he tries to keep the edge out of his voice, but he isn’t sure he manages it. 

“Hey,” James says, as gently as he possibly can. “You _know_ the Animagus transformations are our priority. The first and utmost priority, yeah? I’m not going to lose focus, Sirius. I promise.” 

Sirius knows that James always kept his promises. “Thank you. Sorry about this, I just – ”

“You feel the way you feel,” James says in a way that reminds Sirius of Remus. “It’s alright. I know why this is important to you.” 

Sirius closes his eyes, trying not to let his thoughts spiral in that direction. He doesn’t want to remember _why_ he felt like he needed this, why he needs the escape maps and the Plan B and why nothing he can think of makes him feel safe enough, but this is his best bet at it. 

“In a way, it’s something Lily and I have in common now,” James says, but there’s none of the dreaminess in his voice that usually accompanies talk about her. “We’re both taking care of our best friends by doing this. We’re both looking out for you and Remus.” 

Sirius nods, understanding what James means by it. Still, he can’t seem to stop his hands from shaking a little.

“You can’t tell her,” he says. “I’m not ready for anyone else to know why we’re doing this.” 

“Of course,” James says, his tone implying that he’s offended that Sirius even needs to ask. He bumps Sirius’s shoulder with his. “I’ll tell Pete as well, and if she asks, we’ll say we just did it for fun. ‘cause we were bored, or something.”

“That’s actually believable,” Sirius says. He closes his eyes and lets his head fall onto James’s shoulder.

“You okay?” James asks. 

Sirius remembers all of a sudden, entirely unprompted, the sharp pang of envy he’d felt when Peter had realised his Animagus form would be a rat. Small, capable of survival and hiding away, a rat was a _safe_ form to take. A rat on the run would be impossible to find. Sirius wanted that. 

“Sirius?” James asks, concerned.

“Sorry,” Sirius says. “It’s scary, Jamie.” 

“I know,” James says. “I know. We’ll manage it, though.”

Sirius closes his eyes, tries to believe what James is saying. “Okay.”   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry, it'll make more sense later. hopefully?? lol.  
> fingers crossed!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the support, and im so glad that everyone seems to be with me so far!!! i swing between "oh no im being too cryptic nobody's going to get this" and "oh no this is too obvious" which is probably irrational of me, but #JustWriterThings, you know how it is. 
> 
> hope u all like this chapter!!! we get some regulus, FINALLY

They slip into a routine easily. Lily is, as Sirius had always known, smart enough to catch up very quickly. She manages to work through what took them a month in two weeks, and soon they’ve all progressed almost the same amount.

Remus is more open as well, and Sirius and Remus find themselves talking about their parents and their childhoods and their trauma. All the difficult questions that they’d once skirted around were fair game now. Remus spoke about his lycanthropy, about what it made him feel, hesitantly at first, but then more easily, like a dam flooding. 

They speak on the phone as well, once every week. Sirius finds, unsurprisingly, that his feelings for Remus have expanded beyond merely platonic without his even noticing. 

 

Before he knows it, it’s nearly Christmas. Sirius gets permission to stay at Hogwarts, pretending that there’s something he needs the library for. His parents are unconcerned, and he knows they’ll probably be happier without him there, anyway. 

James, Lily and Peter are all going home, but he has Dorcas and Marlene for company, which is _something._ Even if they spend most of their time gazing at each other with heart eyes. It could be embarrassing, how in love they are, but neither girl is ashamed of it. Sirius wonders if that’s how he’d act if he were around Remus all the time – absolutely smitten.

 

James says bye sentimentally, as he always does. He gives Sirius a hug, kisses the top of his head.

“You know you can pop in anytime you need, and stay for as long as you want,” he says.

Sirius shrugs. “I wouldn’t want to intrude, Jamie. Besides, what if my parents find out? It won’t be pretty.” 

“You wouldn’t be intruding, silly,” James says, running a hand through Sirius’s hair as if trying to mess it up as much as his own wild mane. “But your safety is the most important. Promise me you’ll floo over if you feel lonely, and if you feel like it’d be safe?” 

Sirius’s resolve weakens.

“Maybe I’ll pop in for Christmas, or for New Years’?” he suggests.

“Please,” James says. “My parents _adore_ you, and I’m going to miss you.” 

Sirius nods.

 

Next, he walks around to the Slytherin dungeons as fast as he can without running, to see Regulus off.

“Looks like _somebody_ has lost their way,” Snape says, his voice dripping with content. “What do you think you’re doing here, Black? Don’t you know you’re not welcome?” 

He doesn’t say anything degrading, but Sirius can tell by the look of loathing in his eyes that it’s a close thing.

“Shush, he’s probably here for me,” a tired voice that Sirius immediately recognises pipes up.

“Reggie,” he says, turning to face his brother.

“A moment, Severus?” Regulus asks, his voice casually dismissive.

“Far be it from me to _disrupt_ your _brotherly meeting_ ,” Snape says, nose in the air. He walks off, probably attempting to be menacing.

“A real nuisance, that one,” Regulus confesses to Sirius. “He doesn’t know how to take a stand, sucks up to all the blood purists and whatnot, but lacks the backbone to do anything. Which is a good thing in a way, we don’t need another Voldemort, least of all from him.” 

“Yeah,” Sirius agrees. Now that he’s here, he can’t remember what he wanted to say to his brother.

“Sure you don’t want to come home?” Regulus asks. 

Sirius nods. “Reg, you know my reasons.” 

Regulus nods, and after looking around to see that nobody was watching, he gives Sirius a hug. They didn’t talk much at school because you never knew who was watching and who was listening, plus childhood at Grimmauld had made them both cautious – Regulus more so than Sirius. 

“Stay safe,” he whispers. 

“You too,” Sirius murmurs back. “I don’t understand why you want to go back.” 

“They’re not so bad with me,” Regulus says. “It’s all about strategy and flattering talk.” 

“See, that’s how we’re different,” Sirius says, moving away from his brother a little. “I always say what I think.”

“And they hate you,” Regulus points out. “I’d much rather pretend to be the son they want, and when they least expect it, revolt.” 

“Slytherin to the bone, you,” Sirius says, ruffling Regulus’s hair.

“Someone has to be,” Regulus pointed out. “I’ll see you after hols?” 

“Count on it,” Sirius says. 

 

Sirius goes back to the dorm. With the ballpoint pen, he writes out a quick hello to Remus. Remus is fast to respond, and it makes Sirius feel better, knowing that he isn’t going to be alone as long as he has Remus.

Maybe it’s this feeling that makes him impulsively write _you know im staying at hogwarts for the hols, would u maybe want to meet sometime??_

_I would love to, but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet,_ Remus’s words say. _Sirius, I really want to, I’m just…. nervous. afraid. you know I don’t really have many friends, and besides…_

Meanwhile, in the Lupin cottage, Remus wonders if there’s a way to write out “I hate my body and I’m afraid you’ll hate it too. That you’ll meet me and not want to interact with me anymore because of it.” He’d talked to Lily and Sirius and gotten them to promise not to exchange pictures of him, because he was happier to be perceived without a face or a body.

 _i need to mentally prep myself more,_ Remus writes instead. _sorry if im not making sense, it’s just a Big Step, meeting you. and i want us to do it right, and right now i don’t think I can be that._

 _its alright,_ Sirius’s writing says. He’s understanding as always, and Remus feels a small bit of guilt at that. _i understand, really. we’ll do it when we’re both ready for it._

 _sorry,_ Remus writes. 

_you have nothing to apologize for!! it was just a thought, don’t worry. love u_

_Love you too. will you be alright for the holidays?_  
  


Sirius takes a deep breath, stares at the words. Thinks about being sorted Gryffindor, what it had actually meant for him.

 

 _i hope so,_ he writes. _might take a risk and go to jamie’s after all._

 _Do what you need to do,_ Remus writes. Sirius is absurdly grateful that he hasn’t written “stay safe,” because Sirius is consciously putting himself in danger with this. 

_sometimes you just gotta be reckless,_ Remus writes. _take that risk. take care of yourself the way you need to._

 _i love u, you know that?_ Sirius writes, and he feels grateful in a way that he knows he’ll never be able to verbalise. _thank you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) 
> 
> twitter's @ gothzabini, feel free to yell in my general direction <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, sorry for the long period of silence. depression + crazy amounts of transphobia temporarily knocked me out of the game, but i'm back. hope y'all like this, and thank you for your support!

Sirius calls his Uncle Alphard over the Floo in Professor McGonagall’s office. He accepts the call almost instantly, and Sirius looks at his secluded little apartment through the flames, how cosy and Muggle it looks, and his heart aches. 

“Alright, m’boy?” Alphard asks. He’s always had a soft spot for Sirius, despite the efforts of Sirius’s parents to keep Alphard out of their sons’ lives. 

Sirius shakes his head. 

“I don’t want to be here for the holidays,” he whispers into the flames. “I wish I could stay with you.” 

“Sirius, you know that isn’t possible,” Alphard says fondly. “You know your mother has eyes everywhere. The last thing I want is for her to hurt you on my account.” 

“I know,” Sirius says softly. 

He stares into the flames silently for a moment.

“Well, what do you need?” Alphard asks, no judgement in his tone. He’s cheerful and simultaneously gentle, and it puts Sirius at ease.

“Permission to go to James’s place,” Sirius says. “Please.” 

Alphard gives him a look, considering. “Alright,” he says eventually. “But promise me you’ll be safe.” 

Sirius nods, murmurs a thank you. He calls Professor McGonagall back in, and after conversing with his disinherited Uncle for a minute (not that she needs to know the specifics, really), she tells him that he can leave for James’s in the evening, and that he’d better have finished his packing by then. Sirius goes and does just that. 

 

James is, as Sirius had known to expect, happy to see him. They spend their holidays mostly discussing pranks and listening to muggle music and lying around idly. Christmas is a quaint affair; just James, his parents and a few aunts, uncles and cousins. It’s about a quarter the size of a Black family dinner, and a hundred times nicer. Everyone treats Sirius like family, and if he tears up over it in the secrecy of a locked bathroom, well. Nobody needs to know… except maybe Remus.

Sirius and Remus have both slipped into a pattern of talking during the night, but because Sirius is with James all the time, they don’t get much privacy, something they’re both alright with. Most of the time, James participates in their conversations as well, writing on Sirius’s arm in his ugly scrawl, while Remus and Sirius are both quick to make fun of him together. 

It’s been a while since a serious conversation, though. 

_moony? u there?_ Sirius writes, sitting in James’s bathtub. It’s 11:30 PM, and Sirius can still hear the noise of chatter and talk downstairs. He knows James is likely talking to one of his cousins from Rajasthan whom he hasn’t seen in almost three years, and hence, isn’t probably going to check on him.

 _Yeah, right here,_ Remus writes. _You okay?_

 _i dont know,_ Sirius writes. _james’s family is so nice to me_

 _As you deserve,_ Remus writes. 

_that’s sweet of u,_ Sirius writes. _but it just. it’s a bit overwhelming, u know what i mean??_

 _Yeah, sort of,_ Remus’s handwriting says. _you know me and Lils are real close, and in some ways her parents have always treated me like one of their own children. and I don’t really know how to put it in words but her dad’s a far better father to me than my own biological dad._

Sirius hums under his breath, waits. 

_It’s a weird feeling,_ Remus writes. _it’s like, you feel lucky, safe, comfortable, but also disoriented._

 _some ppl take love for granted,_ Sirius writes. He’s aware that he’s shaking, all of a sudden. _i mean. no i dont mean that, like in a bad way. its normal to have love in your life, everyone needs it_

 _But not everyone gets to have it,_ Remus’s handwriting fills in, smooth and easy. _Sirius, I know exactly what you mean._

 _it isnt’ fucking fair,_ Sirius scribbles. 

_Hey,_ Remus writes. _you and I have support systems. sure, parts of our biological family are abusive, but we have places to run to. we will be fine._

Sirius traces the words with a finger. 

He hears footsteps, agitated ones, coming up the stairs. Knowing that he can’t risk doing magic, he writes, _remus, what’s the time?_

_Uh, 12:15, why?_

_ive been up here for like, 45 minutes,_ Sirius writes.

 _up WHERE ?_ Remus writes back. 

_nowhere dangerous, i promise,_ Sirius writes, suddenly realising how those words look out of context. _i’ve locked myself in james’s upstairs bathroom_

 _Oh,_ Remus writes. _Christmas celebrations still on?_

 _yes,_ Sirius writes. _and i love it, i love all of it, i just needed to get away for a minute_

 _I know,_ Remus writes. _you know you have me with you, every step of the way._

 _that’s mutual,_ Sirius writes, and he’s about to write more when the footsteps become louder, obviously approaching him. 

“Sirius?” James asks. He sounds concerned. “Are you in there?” 

_jamie’s checking in on me, i think i need to go,_ Sirius writes on his arm, while at the same time, yelling, “Yeah!” 

_Okay, love you,_ Remus writes. 

James knocks on the door, frantic. “Open up!” 

“Just a second!” Sirius calls back. He draws three little hearts on his arm and scribbles a hasty _love u too!_ before going to open the door.

He’s forgotten to wash his arm, and he sees James give him a quick glance before enveloping him in a hug. 

“Mate, don’t disappear like that again,” James says softly. “I was worried something had happened.” 

“Just needed some space,” Sirius murmurs.

“And some Moony, apparently,” James says, sniggering. 

“Wanker,” Sirius mutters, good-naturedly socking him in the arm. James cries out, but he’s smiling. He slings an arm around Sirius, steers him in the direction of their shared bedroom.

They sit there together. Sirius wonders if the guests are leaving yet, or if they’ve already left and he’s missed it. 

“Will you be okay for New Years’?” James asks. “We have a pretty big party.” 

“Alcohol’s involved, isn’t it?” Sirius asks. “I reckon I’ll be okay.” 

James doesn’t look convinced, but he doesn’t push it. Instead, he gently puts an arm around Sirius. 

“Tell me if you need anything,” he says. 

“Yes, Mother,” Sirius says, mostly as a joke. 

“That’s right,” James says. “I’m your mother now.” 

“I’m glad,” Sirius says, and he means it with everything that he is. “You’re the best mother I could ever hope for.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mother hen james potter reblog if u agree


End file.
